9 days in

So I am 9 days into changing my diet and with it hopefully my life.

As stated in a previous post, my goal is to lose 20 pounds.

What may be pertinent to review is how and why I am here as, for me, I feel its more than a new year desire to shed some pounds after an over indulgent holiday period.

When you reach certain points in your life (29 in my case...ahem) you tend to occasionally have a moment of realisation and reflect on things, at least I do and suspect the same of most folks.

An epiphany l believe they call it.

Or in my case a Harajuku Moment perhaps (google it or see The Four Hour Body book and you will see the connection). Though my HM is probably really several conjoined realisations than one crystal clear moment. Which is a concern as without an absolute moment of clarity I am uncertain I can make this stick.

That concern aside my moment(s) is defined by a dissatisfaction with who I am...if actions speak louder than words then a significant portion of my efforts run counter to what I want and who I think I am.

This is highlighted in my being/feeling very unfit, not being in control of my life (work, eating, health, happiness) and that I have become everything I knew I didn't want to be at school ... fat, working a desk job, grey and uninspired.

Though as I say, it was more a coalescing of events that began to weigh on me...my daughters 22 year old boyfriend dying of cancer, my mother no longer being able do anything for herself, renting a flat, the rut of work/eat/sleep and the hamster wheel nature of it, pension planning rather than living in the now, etc.

My dad passed away 6 years ago now and I thought then that was significant. A moment to grasp and know to recognise what matters in life rather than waste a lot if time in minutiae. I needed to value life and my time here as opposed to living day to day, hand to mouth, holiday to holiday. Make more of it all.

I think I have lost sight of that and all that I wanted to be.

So I don't like who I am or what I have become, not the essence of me or my.spirit but the physical manifestation of me

I need to change.

How do I do it, I don't know, there is no easy answer or path.

So my choice is to try focus on one thing at a time and see where it leads me. That way there is no confusion or multiple demands on my time...bar working and other normal aspects of life!

So my one goal, lose 20 pounds - weight or weight loss - is tied to my sense of self worth, bad eating habits, self confidence, a lever to move my health and fitness and a path.

So move this rock up the hill and perhaps I can identify other rocks and begin to put them in my backpack.

I am not staying I know if this will work or if I can achieve the goal but I must try as it's the candle in the forest. Move towards it and perhaps I can find a way out of the tangle. If I don't I am running out of time and I don't want to be running over these thoughts in 6 years time except perhaps to reflect on it being the time I changed my life.

Till the next time ... TIOT

PS As of today I have lost 9 pounds.